Okay, so my friends have recently sent around some pictures of popular male actors who, let’s just say, may be past their prime…Since my good buddy, June Cleaver, keeps posting pictures of the hot guys she likes, I thought I’d just give you a taste of what they’ll look like in the future. The moral? Marry for love baby, marry for love!

And he’s still better looking than the rest of the brothers!

Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin


This is scary, he’s still young!
Brendan Frasier

Brendan Frasier


You! You’re still dangerous {fart, fart, fart} but you can be my (chicken) wingman anytime!
Val Kilmer

Val Kilmer


The part of Penn Jillette in ‘Penn and Teller: A Biography’ was awarded to Russell Crowe.

Russell Crowe

Russell Crowe


An Officer and a whatchamacallit!
Richard Gere

Richard Gere


For the very definition of ‘man boob’, you need look no further than…
Roger Moore

Roger Moore


Mama Mia!
Pierce Bronson

Pierce Bronson


If Zorro rises from the grave, this is what he’ll look like…
Mickey Rourke

Mickey Rourke


Apparently, swimming in dress trousers just don’t cut it…
Ian 'The Thorpedo' Thorpe

Ian 'The Thorpedo' Thorpe


This one really kills me, seriously, I love this guy and he’s like 108 but gee whiz!
Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood


This guy could kill me, but I don’t think he’s following the Presidents Fitness Challenge anymore…
Arnold Schwartzenegger

Arnold Schwartzenegger


The piece de resistance. Have you ever seen anything so ugly that wasn’t on the bottom of a public toilet seat? Either picture, doesn’t matter…Wake up Maggie and Run!
Rod Stewart

Rod Stewart

I’m a spender, I like going out shopping and buying things with the money my hard-working wife earns. I get warm fuzzy’s from finding things that I want (not need) and purchasing them, bringing them home, using them once, and forgetting about them. Deep inside I know it’s wasteful but I’m wired that way. Or at least I have been most of my life. I’ve made a pact with myself to accept the things I have as good enough and not replacing them until they are so broken they can’t be fixed or so obsolete that they must be replaced (we’ll see how long this pact lasts). Anyway, I have a deep ability to love but in most other things I am rather shallow and I try to live my life so that I don’t hurt others with my personality. Periodically, my deep ability to love overshadows all the shallowness in my life and I receive all the joy I need for a day or two from a simple act or from another person. Yesterday was such a day.

I went to Wal-Mart after work to pick up two things that I needed for the way you have to live when you live in an RV. As I was walking through the parking lot, my cell phone rings and I see it’s from the 713 area code. I don’t know anyone in the 713 area code in fact prior to this call, I couldn’t have told you where the 713 area code was from. I was pretty certain it was going to be some telemarketer and I was sort of sadistically looking forward to making sure this person was in no state of mind to make another sale the entire evening (shallow, I know). Anyway, I answered the phone and the voice on the other end said “Patrick Landry, you’ll never guess who this is!” Well, that’s no fun, if I’ll NEVER GUESS, why even try but the person seemed intent on giving me some time to come up with an answer so I just kind of mumbled that I didn’t even know where the number was from. Finally, in a fit of pity for me, he said, “It’s Keenan Johnson”. Can you believe it, Keenan Johnson was calling me! I was floored, it was just too great to believe…Really. Those of you who have read my blog before may be attempting to insert a hint of sarcasm into those lines and in 88.65% of the cases, you’d be correct but this time you’d be DEAD WRONG. Perhaps some history would help…

Keenan and I started school together in 1st grade. Where we went, the Catholic schools were 1-3 and 4-12 (Kinder was somewhere else). Anyway, like I said Keenan and I started together in 1st grade. For the first 6 weeks of 4th grade, I was placed in a local public school and Keenan went on to the 4-12 Catholic School. At the end of the 6 weeks, I’d been beaten up at least 3 times (something about a big mouth, I don’t know what they’re talking about) and my parents decided I needed to be moved for my safety. So, as we’re driving in to the Catholic school for my first day there, the first person I see running around the playground is Keenan. I could not contain my excitement. I almost jumped out of the car. I don’t know why I felt so close to him at school, we didn’t hang out together after school or on weekends but at school we were good friends and even then, I knew that good friends, really good friends, were a rare commodity. So we went to school together through 12th grade. We crossed the stage, promised to keep in touch…and never saw or spoke to each other again. In February of 2009, I moved here to San Antonio and in order to facilitate communication with many people who had never heard of a blog, much less the now famous and widely read Stupid Fat Hobbit blog, I reluctantly opened a facebook account. At first, I only had about 6 friends but as I started searching around, I noticed that several of my old High School classmates were on facebook as well. Then one day, probably around March, I saw that Keenan had a facebook page as well. Immediately, I sent a friend request and sat down to wait for the acceptance. Unfortunately, Keenan was not hyper-active on facebook like many of my friends are and it took a while for him to respond. We wrote on each others’ wall once or twice, I gave him my phone number and that was it. Then yesterday, almost 26 years since we’ve spoken to each other, he calls me up to talk. We spent about 35 minutes on the phone (probably 30 more than he expected) and tried to do a little catching up. I bought two things at Wal-Mart, neither of which were even remotely close to the two I went in there to buy and I left feeling more satisfied than I’ve ever felt leaving a Wal-Mart before. Thanks, Keenan. You made my day, probably my week. I can’t wait to talk to you again…

BTW, the 713 area code is in Houston…

I’m not really known as a sentimental person. I wear my emotions (and my thoughts) out on my sleeves for certain but sentimentality is really for people who live outside of the present and it cannot be said that I fall into that category. There have been times though, when I’ve taken stock of the people who have been placed in my path and appreciated what those people have meant to me. This has happened increasingly over the time that I’ve been geographically separated from the family and I’ve gotten more time to sit and be quiet (yes I have, shut up).

Anyway, Debbie and I had several great conversations today over all three of our favorite communication medium (e-mail, text, and phone). Tonight, as I hung up the phone from an all-to-short conversation with her, I realized just how truly blessed I am to have her in my life. There were many of you who commended me for being the single dad while she was away in Pakistan (and I truly deserve the Dad of the Year Award for it) but the truth is, she is doing the same thing now, better than I did it, and with less time and resources than I had. Of course, in both cases, we had some great friends helping us out but consider that I worked the same schedule as the kids while she does not, Jeremy had a really good after school carpool during soccer season which he doesn’t have now with baseball, and 3rd quarter in any school is the longest and hardest by all accounts. Yet the kids are thriving and doing better in school, overall, than they did under my regime. They seem healthy and (mostly) happy and God knows they are eating better with Deb than they ever ate with me.

My Everlasting Love

My Everlasting Love

So this is my tribute to my wife, whom I love dearly for being a great wife, mother, daughter, coach, worker, Air Force Officer, friend, exercise partner, and boundary watcher. She may not be perfect, no one is really, but she’s perfect to me! I love you, baby. Sweet dreams…

Okay, so if you’ve been reading my Facebook page, you know that I’m not happy with Carnival Cruise Lines right now and that our recent excursion on their ship for a week did not leave us with the warm, fuzzy feeling we were hoping for…To be fair, I decided to wait a couple of days and not let my anger taint anything that I write about them. I realize this is a blog and that I’m more than entitled to my opinion (and so are you) but I didn’t want to just vent for venting sake AND I wanted to tell the truth, something anger has been known to cloud before. That being said, here is a quick synopsis:
Saturday – we go through the boarding process and are met by…no one to show us where our room might be or the elevators or anything else. Luckily, Debbie had memorized the ship map in her excitement for cruising and we found our room quickly. There are 2 messages on the phone asking us to confirm our Monday Spa Appointments. I call the spa to confirm and the young lady is having issues finding our appointments (I’m calling back to confirm remember). After playing 20 questions with me, she tells us to show up Monday at 8:45 for both appointments (we’re happy to oblige). No further events…

Easter Sunday @ Nassau – We attend Mass at a beautiful church on the island and then a run on the ship (Debbie has become a much better runner since October and kicks my butt three different ways). We head down to the gym/spa to take in a ‘Flatter Abs’ class and find out it is actually an advertisement for ‘Detoxification’ with some health tips thrown in. Being gullible, I sign us up for a Body Composition Analysis and me for a Detox Body Wrap on Monday around noon. We head into the spa for some Steam Room and a shower. Debbie spends 5 minutes in the steam room, decides it’s set too hot and steps out. Her shoes, socks and sunglasses are gone and the rest of her clothes are pushed under the bench they had been sitting on. There is an employee standing there folding towels who had been there when Debbie entered the steam room, she saw nothing and begins to walk away when Debbie starts asking further questions. Debbie finally comes out and we talk to the young lady at the front desk telling her that Debbie’s stuff has been stolen. “Let me have your room number”, she says, “and we’ll call you if we find them”. No looking, no security, no recommendations at all. Big damper on the cruise. We spend a good amount of time looking around for the shoes, including watching the feet of women on the ship to see if they have them on. Debbie also walks around with her iPod because the shoes have her Nike+ sensor in them and the iPod will connect to it if they are relatively close. No running shoes and no sunglasses, bummer!

Monday – We head down to the spa after breakfast to get our originally scheduled spa treatments. The young lady at the counter looks us dead in the face and says “Your appointments were for yesterday morning, I tried to call all morning long and you never answered so you missed them”. Rage! We explain how we have the printout showing the appointments are for Monday morning, how we called Saturday and confirmed with the young lady that the appointments were for Monday morning. How she changed them to be at the same time for us. Blank stares. “We can reschedule you for some other time but you missed your appointments and there’s nothing else we can do”. No, you’re right, there’s nothing else you can do. Refund our money, we don’t want the appointments now. We need a sedative not a manicure! “Sorry, you booked your appointments online, we can’t credit your money back here, you need to go to guest services.” More rage, we turn to leave and I ask Debbie to wait. I cancel the three other appointments we scheduled yesterday as well, may $350 worth of lost revenue will make an impression but I doubt it. We make our way down to guest services where the relatively nicer lady listens to our story and then disappears for 10 minutes behind the wall. She finally returns and offers to reschedule our appointments for us! Hello! NO! Money, now! “Well, we can only offer you a ships’ credit since this was booked through the website” she says. Fine, we’ll spend at least that much on board so we take the credit ($135). She says the credit should show up tomorrow morning. Today is a day at sea so we spend a little time by the pool but Debbie begins to draft a letter to the Cruise Director “Butch” telling him of our travails.

Tuesday @ St. Thomas – I help with the letter (2 pages) and we turn it in after a short jaunt into St. Thomas. The islands are beautiful but it’s all about buying high-end jewelry or low-end t-shirts and we’re not interested in either. We spend a pleasant day on the ship with one exception. $45 had been credited to our account and we couldn’t tell why. Debbie calls guest services to inquire and she’s told that they’ll only credit her appointment, not mine because I had received my services! Within about 3 minutes, the lady neither knew or cared whether I received my services, she just wanted to make sure I got my $90 credit (Debbie was great). Our cabin steward “Junior” is pleasant but the only people who make us feel like they want us on the ship are the Dining Room Wait Staff. “John” and “Ryan” were very good and by Thursday night John knew all our names (not a great feat except that the kids rarely ate with us at dinner time). At 10 PM, we get a call from Butch letting us know that he has no authority over our situation but that he has scanned in our letter and forwarded it to the appropriate people on board. We thank him for his help and go to bed.

Wednesday @ St. Martin – We go out onto the island to get some beach time (truly a beautiful place) and then head back to the ship. The $90 credit for my appointment is now posted to our account. There’s a message from the Hotel Director asking us to call the service desk and schedule an appointment with him. We call and are scheduled to meet tomorrow morning at 10 AM.

Thursday – We meet with the Hotel Director. There is a slight language barrier but the gist of the conversation is that Carnival does not treat their guests this way and they are truly sorry. They are willing to reschedule the spa appointments for free but we turn that down just on principle (okay, we’re stubborn too). The Hotel Director confirms that every conversation we’ve had with the spa, including the phone call Saturday confirming our appointments, had been handled by the same employee “Mia” and that they plan to discuss this behavior with her extensively. We left feeling placated but not really satisfied though I honestly could not tell you what could have satisfied us. At dinner, a lady we had not seen before comes by to offer us any beverages we would like ‘on the house’. Unfortunately, we’d been in the sun and drinking all day long and really just wanted water. She brought two large bottles of water to our table and asked the waiter to ensure we get what we wanted drink-wise. When we returned to our room we found that two Carnival backpacks filled with goody’s have been left on our bed. Obviously, they’re trying their very best to make good on our cruise and they almost succeeded…almost.

Friday – Second day at sea and very pleasant except for the 7-10 foot swells that are rocking the boat something fierce. They started yesterday afternoon and will continue until we reach port tomorrow. A new credit for $140 appears on our account. They have credited Debbie for the cost of her shoes and her sunglasses. We’re both impressed with the measures they’ve gone to to ensure that we feel compensated for our loss and we do. They have honestly done everything we could have hoped for and more to ensure that we’re happy with the cruise. Again, they almost succeeded…

So what’s the deal, you ask? Well, honestly I’ll tell you that Carnival never stood a chance of making us happy on this cruise. If Debbie’s shoes had never been stolen, if we’d gotten our spa appointments and the weather had been absolutely perfect the whole trip, Carnival would not have had a repeat customer. The reason is that we’ve been spoiled. The only cruises we have to compare this one with are Disney Cruises. What we didn’t realize is that Carnival is an entry level cruise. The cost is less, that’s true. If you’ve never cruised before, you won’t see anything wrong and you’ll probably love it; even if your shoes are stolen. But let me explain something. On Disney (and other upper echelon cruises), your staff know your name before you get on the ship. Once they put a face to a name, they will call you by name for the rest of the cruise, normally from day 1. If a person on the cruise leaves a dish beneath the stairwell, an employee will find it and remove it before the next person passes. The ship is immaculate. Everyone, not just the people who get tips at the end of the cruise, EVERYONE wants you to feel like you are the most important person on the cruise. The Captain of the Disney Magic thanked us personally for trusting our family to his care and then stopped to take a picture with Debbie and I later in the cruise. Becka had a handstand contest with the cruise director from our last cruise and when she won, he announced it far and wide. And he acknowledged her by name for the rest of the cruise. That’s service! Yes, we paid for it but Debbie and I both agree that if we had it to do over again, we’d pay the extra money and take the Disney Cruise. And I’ll tell you one other thing, we spoke to many people on this cruise and the majority of the ones who had cruised other lines said the same thing we did. That this cruise wasn’t terrible but given the opportunity, they’d cruise the higher priced lines instead.

Final verdict? Based on our experience, pay the extra money and get pampered. If money is an issue and you’ve never cruised before, you’ll like Carnival and have a great time (but keep an eye on your shoes)!

We’re at day 3 on our cruise and we’ve just realized that we’re trapped in Hell and have to be here for another 4+ days. Day 1 wasn’t horrid though our cruise director Butch, really his name is Butch, doesn’t know how to shut up on the PA system. He spoke for 32 minutes straight during the life boat demonstration!

Anyway, there is not a friendly employee on board and no one, I mean NO ONE is in a hurry to get anything done. It took me 45 minutes to get a $7 bottle of wine that I paid $30 for! A bottle of Berringer White Zinfandel for $30, stupid me…Anyway, Debbie and I went run yesterday (day 2) on the running track/pedway/old food storage path. After the run, we went and sat in the separate steam rooms for about 5 minutes. When Debbie came out, her Nike running shoes and Oakley sunglasses had been stolen from the bench outside the steam room. There was a Carnival employee in the locker room the entire time she was in the steam room but they saw nothing. Debbie’s mood was shattered, no running and less sun for the next 6 days made Debbie a sour person (rightly so) to be around for the rest of the day!

So this morning, we get up early to go to our manicure (her)/facial & shaving (me) at the spa. We get there and the lady behind the counter (the rude one who wasn’t concerned about Debbie’s shoes yesterday) tells us that our appointment was supposed to be yesterday and that she called us ‘all morning’ and we never answered. We had confirmed the appointments the day we got on board and there are no messages on our phone. Plus we had to give her our room number 17 times yesterday because we kept checking back to see if anyone had turned in Debbie’s shoes (maybe a fit of conscience). So we canceled everything! We had fitness evaluations and detoxifications scheduled, we canceled them all. Screw these people. If we could get off of the boat right now, we would.

We now understand why you pay $3,000 more for a Disney 7 day cruise, because it’s worth it to not have a comedy of errors and clowns who don’t know what the hell their doing ruining your vacation…

Gee Mr. Obama,
Your fix to the problem seems to be worse than the problem itself!

Buh-bye...

Buh-bye...

Only 46 months left…