Stupid Fat Hobbit

Okay, so maybe I have a couple of readers who didn’t hear about me from June Cleaver (I think my wife reads this and I’m pretty sure she didn’t click the link from June’s blog, pretty sure) but the fact of the matter is that most of us owe our blogs to the fact that June inspired us to take what’s in our heads and send it out to the whole freakin’ world via a keyboard.

So recently June’s M.O. has been to post ‘swoon’ pictures every Monday for all the ladies (and disturbingly, a couple of the guys) to goggle at and then comment on how sexy the men are and how much they’d like to spend a couple of hours locked in a basement with a bottle of Olive Oil, some Peanut Butter, Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup, and some ice cubes with them. Okay, so I made that part up but I bet it would be fun! Anyway, the Hobbit doesn’t really spend much time on June’s Monday blogs; I read through them, make some snide remark and then go wash my fingertips before all the drool from her female followers dries on them. Many times I’ve thought to post my own swoon-worthy list of people whom I thought deserved to a little attention even though they may not be thought of in the ‘normal’ swoon sense. So today I sat down to post the first ever Hobbit Swoon List.. And this is as far as I got! I’d never really thought that creating a swoon list would be that difficult, you just make a list of the people you find attractive, Google them to find pictures (or have your adoring fans e-mail them to you) and then write snappy little phrases under the pictures! Voila, swoonness! Unfortunately, I could only think of one person that I’d like to be with right now and though it sounds a little bit self-serving, I’m not going to post 16 pictures of my wife for you all to eyeball. I’ve already posted one of her this week which is probably more than she wanted posted this year…

I even drank a couple of glasses of wine just to see if that would bring any other thoughts to me about swoonishness and all that that entails but unfortunately, that just caused me to have to delay posting this message for 30 minutes while I went and took a cold shower. Same person, different thoughts…No, I won’t share them with you! How dare you! Where was I? Oh yeah, swoonishness.

So now my thoughts have wandered to the origin of why we desire to see the opposite sex (for us normal folks, Warren) partially naked and why we don’t appreciate those who have opted to spend their time exercising things besides their muscles in the pursuit of a goal. Why for instance, don’t we post pictures of Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, Jr., or Mother Theresa when we’re discussing the people that deserve our attention. I mean sure Johnny Depp and Natalie Portman can turn our heads but really shouldn’t we spend some time focusing on the people who turn our minds as well? I mean, when was the last time you said, ‘oh man, I sure would like to see Madeline Albright in a string bikini!’ yet you can’t argue that the woman who was the first Female US Secretary of State wasn’t important to the world. I bet most of us have never heard the name Konrad Zuse and I promise you, you won’t find any commentaries about how he never used deodorant or what his favorite hair gel is but none of us would be spending hours mindlessly reading blogs if he hadn’t invented the first programmable computer.

‘What’s my point?’ you might ask. Well, I don’t have one; isn’t that why they call this a blog? It’s just me putting an opinion out there for anyone who wants to waste a little time and (hopefully) leave a comment on. You’re more than welcome to visit June and get a little jolly from watching the half-naked men do what they do best. I don’t envy you that. If I had their bodies, I might post a picture of myself (oh, shut up) and see what you think of it. Unfortunately for me, I’m shaped more like Buddha than Zeus so you’ll just have to deal with the fact that I exercise your mind and June exercises your ‘id’ (see Sigmund Freud if you need to know what I’m talking about). Speaking of Sigmund, you don’t see many pictures of him in the shower either, do you? I did find this sexy little number out on Google though. He’s no Edward Cullen but then again, who is?

My wife is in New York City this weekend…It was the only thing she asked for when she got back from Pakistan, to spend a weekend alone without the pressures of the house, the family, or anything else. Just to be free and alone for a single weekend. Honestly, it killed me that she wanted to do that. Of course, being the outgoing person that I am, I don’t understand wanting to be alone. I’ve been alone for the better part of the past five months and I’ve felt like a basket case the vast majority of that time. I wanted her to want to come and spend a weekend with me but that wasn’t what she wanted. So, after fighting against myself for a long time, last weekend I bought her a hotel, airfare, Broadway package. She got to see The Lion King Friday night and today she visited the Statue of Liberty and ground zero. She’s been to Times Square, Central Park and several other of the famous places to see when you’re in NYC. Of course, I’m losing my mind because I don’t trust the safety of the Big Apple. I want her safe and sound at home with the kids until we’re all together again. It feels unnatural to be this way but I just can’t help myself. She’s having a good time though and that’s all that really matters. She’s the love of my life and if I can’t be with her, the least I can do is everything in my power to give her a few moments of happiness between all the hustle and bustle of getting ready to move. Here’s a picture of her with the NYC skyline in the background…

I love you dear.

Okay, so I don’t write for weeks at a time and now I writing my third post in one sitting…It’s not that I’m A.D.D. it’s just that…oh look, a bunny!

Anyway, if you’re just seeing this one, make sure you get the other two, they’re being published every three hours, kind of like James Patterson only he puts out novels that fast!

Anywho, this is the closest I’ve been to a movie on opening day since Trilogy Tuesday allowed me to see ‘The Return of the King’ two and a half hours before anyone else in the United States got to see it. I guess it opened yesterday and I saw it today. I am not a Trekkie, I’m barely even a geek but I used to enjoy the original TV series and I even liked one or two of the original movies. TNG was okay and I never saw any of the other spin offs like Babylon 5 or anything like that. I was simply excited about seeing a good movie with a lot of special effects and things blowing up in space (don’t get me started on the ‘no oxygen in space for things to be able to blow up’ thing).

Let me just say quickly that this movie is great. Run, don’t walk, and take every member of your family with you. No nudity, only a couple of cuss words, and lots of action packed scenes with a little romance thrown in for good measure. The new Spock and Kirk are completely believable as younger versions of Nimoy and Shatner and there is only one scene where you can actually see the special effects. It’s on the ice planet, when Kirk’s running from the monster with the flower shaped mouth. Trust me, you’ll see it, it’s distracting, but it’s the only time it happens so you’ll be alright.

I really liked Zoe Saldana as the new Uhura but I’ve got to say that the surprise for me was Karl Urban as McCoy. He did a great, great job of totally being the young ‘Bones’. I didn’t even completely realize who it was until halfway through the movie and then I really started paying attention. Karl seemed so one-dimensional in the Lord of the Rings that I just never expected to see him play this kind of role.

Overall, really a movie that it’s worth to get out and see. I may even try to go see it again this weekend though my diet can’t handle another box of popcorn…

Caution, possible spoilers (I don’t know, I haven’t written the blog yet, Duh!)

Okay, so I’m late jumping on the Twilight bandwagon, whatever! I didn’t read Tolkien until The Two Towers movie was released, I didn’t read Harry Potter until book 5 was released, and I didn’t read the Twilight series until every female (and most male) student in all six of my classes started talking about them like the world was falling…Again, What-E-Ver!

So, I read book 1, Twilight, and thought that unlike Tolkien and Rowling, Meyer wasn’t as concerned that you believe her world existed. You’re in the Pacific Northwest, paint a cloudy bleary picture with lots of green and you’re good to go. Meyer draws you in on emotion. I’ve never felt what every character in a book is feeling like I did in Twilight. It was amazing. Being a guy, let’s just say I’m not always in touch with all of the range of emotions. I’m much more of the Ronald Weasley sort of person, give me the straight dope and I’ll try to keep the subtleties out of sight. But Stephanie won’t have any of that. You can say that she’s writing to a Young Adult (or younger) audience but I’m not buying it. Experiencing that much emotion without drama, pomp and circumstance would never go over in the young adult world of today. So, I think that how I was drawn in. I loved getting into everyone’s emotions (not their minds) and feeling what they felt. I don’t know this but I’d be willing to bet that Stephanie relates best with Jasper from the books. Very in tune with what everyone is feeling and less concerned with what they think or do unless you know the emotion behind it. I was enthralled. It took me two sittings to finish the book but that’s my fault, I’m a slow reader to begin with and I had to go back several times to understand the feelings (my feelings) as I was reading.

Luckily, my daughter brought book 2, New Moon, with her on our cruise. Debbie and Becka were both reading the book but neither of them really seemed interested at the time so I casually picked it up and started reading on about day 4. I finished it in the airport prior to our planes taking off for our separate destinations (me to San Antonio, them to NOVA). We had about 6 hours of wait time and I only needed about 2.5 so I was good to go. Again, very good book and I was so in.

I purchased book 3, Eclipse, at the airport upon arrival in San Antonio. I realize this is weird, I should have bought it in Orlando and read it on the way but the two bookstores in my terminal did not have Eclipse on their shelves so I had to settle for when I got home. Probably my least favorite of the 4 but I don’t mean it any discredit, I just guessed early on what was happening in Seattle and so the plot didn’t surprise me as it unfolded. I’m sure that many of you who are very good at that sort of thing, picked up the plot early as well but like me, you enjoy a good read so you decided to go ahead and stay on Mrs. Meyer’s train anyway.

The day after I finished book 3, I was at a friends house and her daughter had the series sitting on her shelf. I asked if I could borrow book 4, Breaking Dawn and was pleased that she had finished the series and was willing to loan it out. Unlike others who’ve said this book was too long, I loved it all the way through but I was initially disappointed with the last 3 chapters. I was expecting something completely different and was almost mad when I didn’t get it. If I had written this post 3 days ago, you’d have heard a whole lot about that. But after reading a few reviews and thinking through it, I’ve decided that the issue was just with my expectation and not with Stephanie’s writing. She wrote a fairytale ending and I wanted the WWE, ‘Let’s get ready to rumble’ ending. Of course, it’s not MY story, it’s hers and she did a great job with it. I highly recommend this series…Unfortunately for the movies, we’ll never feel what Bella and the rest feel from that medium and that really is a shame because to me, that’s the diamond in these books…

Okay, so my friends have recently sent around some pictures of popular male actors who, let’s just say, may be past their prime…Since my good buddy, June Cleaver, keeps posting pictures of the hot guys she likes, I thought I’d just give you a taste of what they’ll look like in the future. The moral? Marry for love baby, marry for love!

And he’s still better looking than the rest of the brothers!

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This is scary, he’s still young!

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You! You’re still dangerous {fart, fart, fart} but you can be my (chicken) wingman anytime!

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The part of Penn Jillette in ‘Penn and Teller: A Biography’ was awarded to Russell Crowe.

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An Officer and a whatchamacallit!

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For the very definition of ‘man boob’, you need look no further than…

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Mama Mia!

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If Zorro rises from the grave, this is what he’ll look like…

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Apparently, swimming in dress trousers just don’t cut it…

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This one really kills me, seriously, I love this guy and he’s like 108 but gee whiz!

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This guy could kill me, but I don’t think he’s following the Presidents Fitness Challenge anymore…

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The piece de resistance. Have you ever seen anything so ugly that wasn’t on the bottom of a public toilet seat? Either picture, doesn’t matter…Wake up Maggie and Run!